i make the impossible, possible. Wait for me. I'll be right back bringing victory with me.

St Patrick's School Military Band. 10 years consecutive Gold with Honours. My heart really goes out to them. They have shown me what they're made of from their awesome performance last night at the Esplanade where they played a repertoire of music. It really makes me wonder how they actually managed to maintain their standards. These thoughts can be transferred to NPCC. We never won any award for the UOPA since the formation of our unit. Ironically, we managed to maintain this for more than 10 years. Though i may have lost interest in it, i certainly still have my loyalty...

I just saw Melissa yesterday, when i asked her to the Band concert. She's changed alot since the last time i saw her. I realised that change was inevitable except for the vending machine in the SPS canteen...

To all at SPS NPCC:
No matter where i am, remember that i'll always be supporting you all. Though you guys aren't doing great, i really want to say that i am very proud of you all. So you guys, have to keep pressing on and fight all the way. potest qui vult.

I will miss those mornings where we used to tie our ties before assembly…

XyeThesis

Today, at a bus stop, a little boy smiled to me and brought smiles to me.

Yesterday and Monday was Camp La Salle 2006. This is the first time i actually got all the signatures and contacts of all the faciliators. It's been a pleasure being in that camp. Though we have all parted and moved on after this camp, memories are recorded in my mind with a single photograph; signatures that reminds me who my friends were and most of all the things we've done together that lets us remember all that've been done.

March. 8 more months in St Pat's. People have gathered around me, giving me support, when i most needed them nowadays. I have becomed very different. Seeing things in different perspectives have made me more concious of who i was in the past. Once again i shall rise up. Dreams Ignited.

XyeThesis
`"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy" Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 5

The girls in my life

A new spirit is ignited. On wednesday, i cried in school in front of Mr Lim. Right now, i feel invigorated. Reason being that i've found a renewed fire within. This time, not neglecting on my friends. Instead, this fire spurs me to love and treasure my friends. This flame is special. I've found the perfect equilibrium. The perfect equilibrium that balances everything i do.

Le jeu ne vaut pas le chandelle.

To date, i can speak 4 languages. English, Chinese, French and Spanish. Though my Spanish is getting rusty due to the fact that i've not used it in a long long time. I'm picking up Malay. Well, i'm going for a Regional Convention in June this year, which is held in kuching, therefore i have to brush up on my Malay a little bit more. French is a beautiful language. Inadvertently, i have not much of a use for it in the near future...

I love Mel. Well, i love her as a friend. She's just wonderful. Though i've only seen her for once and that was in Sec 2, i can still remembered how she looked at me. Ironically, we liked each other. I blew my handphone bill till around 300 plus just to talk to her at night. I can still vividly remember what we promised each other. Though it was just purely infatuations that we had, i believed that it was sincere. It's been a while since i knew her. I never knew it was that long. 4 years. Today, i asked her whether she'd go to the my school's Band concert at Esplanade, she said yes. Excitedly.

A boy and a girl can just be friends. But at one point or another, one may will fall for the other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time. Maybe too late, or maybe... Just maybe... Forever.

Angelina. Angel for short. I've known her for 5 years. To date, i've not gotten to see her. In this 5 years, i lost contact with her for 3 years. Anyway, i got to know her in sec 1; when she was still in pri 6. She fell for me in this period of time. During this time, she had a very sweet voice. She was still a kid, yet to experience much. A year later i lost contact with her. Last year, june, by some miracle, i got to know her again. This time, she is the optimistic young lady that still had the very sweet voice. An aspiring songwriter/singer. However, the years contained many scary scenes and frightening darks that left her crying to me, once again, 3 years later, on the phone...

i stood there in admiration with your royal pinkness shining upon me

How i wish i can just dictate whatever i want to say into written words. Somehow, i feel that it makes me more sane. Somehow, i feel it makes me more aware of what i'm saying. Somehow, it just makes me feel more relaxed. Words will not and cannot coagulate into emotions. The written word has more impact. The written word has more recognition. The written word has a longer lifespan...

XyeThesis
`I've got nothing else to lose.

Another Change of Heart

I've harboured thoughts about you. However, as i looked towards the sky, anchored with stars, i realised that this time with you has forged a trail in out hearts. I looked into your eyes, suffused with passion, and knew that you harboured thoughts about me too.

"We can control how we respond to what happens to us, but we cannot control the things that happen outside us," is what Sean Covey, Steven Covey's son, said. What happens to my unit is beyond my control. Being in an hierarchical organisation, even if you're the head, you cannot do much without consulting anyone. God has been with me all these while during my time in the Unit. Therefore, many things were revelated. Not all at once, but slowly. Only so that i can take the blows one by one.

Things that've been revealed:
1. Sec 5 attendance wasn't marked since last year.
2. The hierarchy chart i made was throw away.
3. The publicity materials i made were throw away too.
4. Power hungry NCOs

There's more from where those came from. It's like a repertoire of "evil deeds" they've piled up over the months. The thing is, because it's been a secret, they did not even know that i've found out about it. Sometimes, i really thank God for the bits and pieces of experience that i've learned to pick up along the way. I didn't say NPCC affected my life adversely. I only said that it has affected me for that particular year and months. The intrinsic nature of all new NCOs are that they get the idea that they'll be able to do things that they've never experienced before. That's why some of them get the "it's pay back time" attitude.

Mrs. Leslie's English lessons never fail to be interesting. From time to time, she cracks jokes about sex and society. Also, she never fails to bombard us with profound words, filled with such complexity for usage, which sometimes we never even knew they existed. Due to the nature of the teachers and students in St Pat's, i feel that St Pat's is being more of a dream than reality. It's been something surreal. Reason being, i never thought i could experience so much in this 5 years. Experiences that changed me dramatically. It's not everyday that you'll find a class filled with wonders and many ticking time bombs. It's not everyday that'll you find yourself inspired by laughters. It is however, an everyday for me...

1 A1, 2 A2s, 3 Bs and a very inadvertent F9. Grrr... My grades for my common test.

I wanna give love again!! I wanna hug. I wanna kiss. I wanna hold hands. No i'm not desperate, i'm just hoping. It's rare that you see adolescent lovers proceed on into the "real world" and get married. That's why adults always say that love at this age isn't real and it will not last. They fail to realise however, maturity is not confined to a certain age group and the society has changed.

I have to finish off what i started even if it means having a half hearted heart.

Things to complete:
1. Drill Training Manual for SPS NPCC

Although it's only a single item, i made it sound such a drag. Actually, it's because it actually is a drag. I'm including all my experiences and "expert" point of view. I have to finish it because people from other units have helped me with it and it's only fair that i complete it and include their names in the credits.

People to thank for helping in the DTM:
1. Fa (Although i broke up with you, the thought still lingers)
2. People from the unofficial NPCC Forum (Basil, wei xiong)
3. CIs from all over the island that've helped me in this endeavour.
4. Angel, for the times you told me not to give up.
5. My mum, for telling me to hold on and never let go for what is right.
6. God, for being there with me.
7. Darrick, for listening to my woes and in end listening to yours.
8. SPS NCC (Land, Air) NCOs 2004 - 2005
Last but not least, you guys, SPS NPCC NCOs 2004 - 2005

In the end, the people who helped me are not those from my unit. Except for the NCOs that stuck together from 2004 to 2005. Us.

XyeThesis,
`Memories stay...

A Prayer

As i back out from my hectic lifestyle, i find myself more refined. With that cause, i seem to be able to get in touch more with my surroundings. It's been a while since i looked up into the sky. Well, come to think of it, it was when things started to change drastically. The very last time i lay down on the ground and looked towards the sky was 3 years ago on one of the world's many beaches as i talked to Rox. After we stood up, i never thought that the slacker-in-npcc-attitude has gone and the worker-in-npcc-attitude kicked in. And just 3 weeks ago - ironically, during npcc training - i lay down on the ground and looked to the sky. Without noticing anything, i muttered, "it's been a while". For a while i was enraptured. Then as i stood up again, to walk to the canteen, i noticed a puddle of water. As i walked, a zephyr blew and it created the ripples in the puddle. Somehow, it seems like the wind was writing on the water.

Being humans, we think ourselves as superior in many ways. Just a few weeks ago, i went for ATF in Pulau Ubin. To get there, we had to cross the sea. As i took the bumboat there, i could help but to notice the vast sea that we're travelling on. Sometimes, we - even as humans, superior in many ways - never fail to be awed by the magnificent sight of the elements of nature.

What we see and what we think we are seeing are often, very different things.

I seem to have failed in the eyes of many people. It's just another one of my wild speculations that could be the total opposite of my thoughts. I think i have failed Mr Lim, Mr Ng, Miss Tan and most of all myself. Sometimes, i contemplate on my sacrifices and ask myself, am i too rash or am i being too analytical. No matter, cause either way, i have already made the sacrifice. It's always been my dream to wear the SPF-NPCC badge and to go for the CIBTC. However, ever since i've got to known Mel again, i've been questioning myself very often. What am i striving for that i have to sacrifice this much to achieve it? I argued with her saying that achievements are more important than friends as they follow you throughout your life in your records. She said however, friends will be there for you. Like how she's always been there for me. Achievements are nothing but cold, heartless objects that do not say anything to you and even feel you. That is why i'm letting go. I've made a choice, in my wishlist, that i want to be reunited with friends who have grown stray or even became competitors. Such people are Menveer and Sherman. My time in St Pat's is almost up. It's time for me to go. I know however, that part of me will stay in SPS because of the hopes and dreams i have for the school and the friends i made there were from there...

Today, Ignatius snapped out in class. 2 days ago, Albert snapped out during Recess Assembly. Life, how unpredictable it can be. 1 year when said as a year seems long. when broken into 12 months, you realise that we're in the 3rd month. when split into days, it is 365. We ignore 365 days as a mere statistic, it's no wonder it creeps up on you without raising any alarms. I just wonder why so much can change in just a matter of minutes.

Life is "a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes" - James 4:14

Dear Jesus,
it's been sometime since i did many things. Dad, i just want to pray that you'll give me a courageous heart and spirit to live. I've seen many things happen this week. Things that seem to appear very fast. Things like earning the respect from my class. Things like seeing how people react to situation. Things like how the nature is so beautiful. Things like how i gave up some of my empty pursuits. I pray Lord, more than anything else, that'll you'll change me to be the person you want me to be. I want to live life to the fullest Lord. This is my last year in St Pat's and i've made an impact to some people. I want to continue making an impact on others. Halp me live out my wish list for this year. That includes saving the unit. I backed out, because Lord, only now that i realise i can do things using my strength. Though you many seem distant at times, you are the one that i should draw strength from. God. I believe. I believe you'll work in me. I believe i am being put into St Pat's for a reason.

All these i pray in your most precious name, Amen

"Watch, stand fast. Be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love" - 1 Corinthians 16:13

XyeThesis
`Today i see you again.

Welcome

Welcome to my frequency

There's an end to every beginning. Today is the day where the passion of fire for NPCC finally burns out. No matter how vicious and fervent a fire burns, it will eventually stop burning. However, every time it stops burning, the heat still stays on the ground. Friends have long told me to stop being so enthusiastic and just concentrate on my studies and have the social life that i had no been having for more than a year. Ever since i saw the need to raise the unit's former glory, i have been working very hard - to do my best, to try to restore it to it's usual state. It was fruitful when i first took over, though i could not do much as we had a shortage of manpower, i still however managed to maintain its standards. Ever since the new batch of NCOs took over, the unit has definitely fallen in a bottomless pit. One which takes a miracle from God to pull it back.

Sacrifices. Tears. Sweat. A leader has to give up to go up. Apparently i have sacrificed the things which i now only know that it is important to me when i served this unit as a NCO. I spent countless days to come up with new initiatives to help and improve the unit. Oftentimes i find myself carrying books on leadership, to learn and finally, to impart. I sacrificed my relationship with my girlfriend - the one who always cared about me and listened to my problems - when i told her i do not have time for her. I sacrificed my friendship with many. I sacrificed my time. Tears. I cried whenever i failed to help one of my friends. i was filled with vulnerability because no one except for me is following the dreams i see. As i look back on the times i had, the things people say about NPCC, i finally agree. "When you come back, no matter who you are, or what you've done; where you stand or how bad or good you've done to them, they will not listen to you". Lately i've been questioning, "why am i so into NPCC?” Apparently, i've got the answer. I want to save something. Something not every important to me. Something not very heart-warming. The thing that i want to save is the people in the unit. Mr Lim, Mr Ng, Miss Tan, the NCOs, the cadets and most importantly, the thing that i've stuck onto for a very long time, the passion.

My Dream
There'll be a day,
when i find a way,
to get around the things,
that will keep me from standing.

The dream of seeing everyone standing together as one.
The dream of seeing smiles on everyones face.
The dream of reviving the joy in them.
The dream of putting a fire within them.
The dream of seeing me, leaving the school, with my dreams fulfilled.

However, in the end, i am only dreaming...

"Friends are the people i love. They mean SO much to me, i'd die for them... of course, it has to be true friends you know? If you don't have your friends to support you, how'd you achieve your goals and dreams? Who will be there to celebrate with you, to cry for you, to be TRULY happy for you? Who would be there with a shoulder to cry on, and laugh at all the retarded things that happen? Who else will love you as much as your family does? Your friends." My friend Melissa wrote this to me. I've done a very stupid mistake. Sorry... I shouldn't have let go of you guys... Sorry.

In my dreams,
i see her again,
grateful,
i ask of nothing.
but she won't stay still.

Maybe i'm wrong. I shouldn't have doubted her. She feels too

There was this one time when my ex and i had together. It was memorable. She had to go to Chiangmai to do some CIP thing because she volunteered (she's very helpful). Therefore, i spent a night with her at her house. No we didn't do anything against the law (we were only sec 4 then, 15 years old). Ironically, her parents left for an overseas business trip, and therefore weren't at home at the time i bunked in at her home. So when she woke up (i was still asleep then) and when to the market to buy breakfast, i quickly awoke, and wrote on the post it note pads, "missing you when i'm...". She the first thing she saw when she came home was the post it on her front door. It said, "missing you when you leave this house". Then there was one in the kitchen (i figured she'll enter there), it said, "missing you when i'm cooking your favourite dishes".

At the computer table: "missing you when i'm surfing the net"
At the dining table: "missing you when i'm eating"
At the refrigerator: "missing you when i'm hungry"
At the TV: "missing you when i'm wasting my time watching flicks"
At the toilet door: "missing you when i'm in the shower"
At the radio: "missing you when i sing about you"
On her study table in her room: "missing you when i'm studying"

The last one was on me when she saw me. It read, "missing you when you're missing me". She hugged me on the spot and whispered an "i love you" to my ear. I miss her... 2 months later, i left her because i told her didn't have time for her (she cried so much that she stayed over at my place). for the next 2 months, whenever she saw me she held my hand until i told her off. Where she then cried on the spot. A year and a half later, which is now, she's still unattached... Thing is... She's got a pretty face. She's kind. She's got the nicest smile in the world. She's got guys after her. But she still longs that one day i have time for her...

You still keep those post-it notes.

XyeThesis
`Here I am, so alone, and there’s nothing in this world I can do…

i make the impossible, possible. Wait for me. I'll be right back bringing victory with me.

St Patrick's School Military Band. 10 years consecutive Gold with Honours. My heart really goes out to them. They have shown me what they're made of from their awesome performance last night at the Esplanade where they played a repertoire of music. It really makes me wonder how they actually managed to maintain their standards. These thoughts can be transferred to NPCC. We never won any award for the UOPA since the formation of our unit. Ironically, we managed to maintain this for more than 10 years. Though i may have lost interest in it, i certainly still have my loyalty...

I just saw Melissa yesterday, when i asked her to the Band concert. She's changed alot since the last time i saw her. I realised that change was inevitable except for the vending machine in the SPS canteen...

To all at SPS NPCC:
No matter where i am, remember that i'll always be supporting you all. Though you guys aren't doing great, i really want to say that i am very proud of you all. So you guys, have to keep pressing on and fight all the way. potest qui vult.

I will miss those mornings where we used to tie our ties before assembly…

XyeThesis

Today, at a bus stop, a little boy smiled to me and brought smiles to me.

Yesterday and Monday was Camp La Salle 2006. This is the first time i actually got all the signatures and contacts of all the faciliators. It's been a pleasure being in that camp. Though we have all parted and moved on after this camp, memories are recorded in my mind with a single photograph; signatures that reminds me who my friends were and most of all the things we've done together that lets us remember all that've been done.

March. 8 more months in St Pat's. People have gathered around me, giving me support, when i most needed them nowadays. I have becomed very different. Seeing things in different perspectives have made me more concious of who i was in the past. Once again i shall rise up. Dreams Ignited.

XyeThesis
`"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy" Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 5

The girls in my life

A new spirit is ignited. On wednesday, i cried in school in front of Mr Lim. Right now, i feel invigorated. Reason being that i've found a renewed fire within. This time, not neglecting on my friends. Instead, this fire spurs me to love and treasure my friends. This flame is special. I've found the perfect equilibrium. The perfect equilibrium that balances everything i do.

Le jeu ne vaut pas le chandelle.

To date, i can speak 4 languages. English, Chinese, French and Spanish. Though my Spanish is getting rusty due to the fact that i've not used it in a long long time. I'm picking up Malay. Well, i'm going for a Regional Convention in June this year, which is held in kuching, therefore i have to brush up on my Malay a little bit more. French is a beautiful language. Inadvertently, i have not much of a use for it in the near future...

I love Mel. Well, i love her as a friend. She's just wonderful. Though i've only seen her for once and that was in Sec 2, i can still remembered how she looked at me. Ironically, we liked each other. I blew my handphone bill till around 300 plus just to talk to her at night. I can still vividly remember what we promised each other. Though it was just purely infatuations that we had, i believed that it was sincere. It's been a while since i knew her. I never knew it was that long. 4 years. Today, i asked her whether she'd go to the my school's Band concert at Esplanade, she said yes. Excitedly.

A boy and a girl can just be friends. But at one point or another, one may will fall for the other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time. Maybe too late, or maybe... Just maybe... Forever.

Angelina. Angel for short. I've known her for 5 years. To date, i've not gotten to see her. In this 5 years, i lost contact with her for 3 years. Anyway, i got to know her in sec 1; when she was still in pri 6. She fell for me in this period of time. During this time, she had a very sweet voice. She was still a kid, yet to experience much. A year later i lost contact with her. Last year, june, by some miracle, i got to know her again. This time, she is the optimistic young lady that still had the very sweet voice. An aspiring songwriter/singer. However, the years contained many scary scenes and frightening darks that left her crying to me, once again, 3 years later, on the phone...

i stood there in admiration with your royal pinkness shining upon me

How i wish i can just dictate whatever i want to say into written words. Somehow, i feel that it makes me more sane. Somehow, i feel it makes me more aware of what i'm saying. Somehow, it just makes me feel more relaxed. Words will not and cannot coagulate into emotions. The written word has more impact. The written word has more recognition. The written word has a longer lifespan...

XyeThesis
`I've got nothing else to lose.

Another Change of Heart

I've harboured thoughts about you. However, as i looked towards the sky, anchored with stars, i realised that this time with you has forged a trail in out hearts. I looked into your eyes, suffused with passion, and knew that you harboured thoughts about me too.

"We can control how we respond to what happens to us, but we cannot control the things that happen outside us," is what Sean Covey, Steven Covey's son, said. What happens to my unit is beyond my control. Being in an hierarchical organisation, even if you're the head, you cannot do much without consulting anyone. God has been with me all these while during my time in the Unit. Therefore, many things were revelated. Not all at once, but slowly. Only so that i can take the blows one by one.

Things that've been revealed:
1. Sec 5 attendance wasn't marked since last year.
2. The hierarchy chart i made was throw away.
3. The publicity materials i made were throw away too.
4. Power hungry NCOs

There's more from where those came from. It's like a repertoire of "evil deeds" they've piled up over the months. The thing is, because it's been a secret, they did not even know that i've found out about it. Sometimes, i really thank God for the bits and pieces of experience that i've learned to pick up along the way. I didn't say NPCC affected my life adversely. I only said that it has affected me for that particular year and months. The intrinsic nature of all new NCOs are that they get the idea that they'll be able to do things that they've never experienced before. That's why some of them get the "it's pay back time" attitude.

Mrs. Leslie's English lessons never fail to be interesting. From time to time, she cracks jokes about sex and society. Also, she never fails to bombard us with profound words, filled with such complexity for usage, which sometimes we never even knew they existed. Due to the nature of the teachers and students in St Pat's, i feel that St Pat's is being more of a dream than reality. It's been something surreal. Reason being, i never thought i could experience so much in this 5 years. Experiences that changed me dramatically. It's not everyday that you'll find a class filled with wonders and many ticking time bombs. It's not everyday that'll you find yourself inspired by laughters. It is however, an everyday for me...

1 A1, 2 A2s, 3 Bs and a very inadvertent F9. Grrr... My grades for my common test.

I wanna give love again!! I wanna hug. I wanna kiss. I wanna hold hands. No i'm not desperate, i'm just hoping. It's rare that you see adolescent lovers proceed on into the "real world" and get married. That's why adults always say that love at this age isn't real and it will not last. They fail to realise however, maturity is not confined to a certain age group and the society has changed.

I have to finish off what i started even if it means having a half hearted heart.

Things to complete:
1. Drill Training Manual for SPS NPCC

Although it's only a single item, i made it sound such a drag. Actually, it's because it actually is a drag. I'm including all my experiences and "expert" point of view. I have to finish it because people from other units have helped me with it and it's only fair that i complete it and include their names in the credits.

People to thank for helping in the DTM:
1. Fa (Although i broke up with you, the thought still lingers)
2. People from the unofficial NPCC Forum (Basil, wei xiong)
3. CIs from all over the island that've helped me in this endeavour.
4. Angel, for the times you told me not to give up.
5. My mum, for telling me to hold on and never let go for what is right.
6. God, for being there with me.
7. Darrick, for listening to my woes and in end listening to yours.
8. SPS NCC (Land, Air) NCOs 2004 - 2005
Last but not least, you guys, SPS NPCC NCOs 2004 - 2005

In the end, the people who helped me are not those from my unit. Except for the NCOs that stuck together from 2004 to 2005. Us.

XyeThesis,
`Memories stay...

A Prayer

As i back out from my hectic lifestyle, i find myself more refined. With that cause, i seem to be able to get in touch more with my surroundings. It's been a while since i looked up into the sky. Well, come to think of it, it was when things started to change drastically. The very last time i lay down on the ground and looked towards the sky was 3 years ago on one of the world's many beaches as i talked to Rox. After we stood up, i never thought that the slacker-in-npcc-attitude has gone and the worker-in-npcc-attitude kicked in. And just 3 weeks ago - ironically, during npcc training - i lay down on the ground and looked to the sky. Without noticing anything, i muttered, "it's been a while". For a while i was enraptured. Then as i stood up again, to walk to the canteen, i noticed a puddle of water. As i walked, a zephyr blew and it created the ripples in the puddle. Somehow, it seems like the wind was writing on the water.

Being humans, we think ourselves as superior in many ways. Just a few weeks ago, i went for ATF in Pulau Ubin. To get there, we had to cross the sea. As i took the bumboat there, i could help but to notice the vast sea that we're travelling on. Sometimes, we - even as humans, superior in many ways - never fail to be awed by the magnificent sight of the elements of nature.

What we see and what we think we are seeing are often, very different things.

I seem to have failed in the eyes of many people. It's just another one of my wild speculations that could be the total opposite of my thoughts. I think i have failed Mr Lim, Mr Ng, Miss Tan and most of all myself. Sometimes, i contemplate on my sacrifices and ask myself, am i too rash or am i being too analytical. No matter, cause either way, i have already made the sacrifice. It's always been my dream to wear the SPF-NPCC badge and to go for the CIBTC. However, ever since i've got to known Mel again, i've been questioning myself very often. What am i striving for that i have to sacrifice this much to achieve it? I argued with her saying that achievements are more important than friends as they follow you throughout your life in your records. She said however, friends will be there for you. Like how she's always been there for me. Achievements are nothing but cold, heartless objects that do not say anything to you and even feel you. That is why i'm letting go. I've made a choice, in my wishlist, that i want to be reunited with friends who have grown stray or even became competitors. Such people are Menveer and Sherman. My time in St Pat's is almost up. It's time for me to go. I know however, that part of me will stay in SPS because of the hopes and dreams i have for the school and the friends i made there were from there...

Today, Ignatius snapped out in class. 2 days ago, Albert snapped out during Recess Assembly. Life, how unpredictable it can be. 1 year when said as a year seems long. when broken into 12 months, you realise that we're in the 3rd month. when split into days, it is 365. We ignore 365 days as a mere statistic, it's no wonder it creeps up on you without raising any alarms. I just wonder why so much can change in just a matter of minutes.

Life is "a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes" - James 4:14

Dear Jesus,
it's been sometime since i did many things. Dad, i just want to pray that you'll give me a courageous heart and spirit to live. I've seen many things happen this week. Things that seem to appear very fast. Things like earning the respect from my class. Things like seeing how people react to situation. Things like how the nature is so beautiful. Things like how i gave up some of my empty pursuits. I pray Lord, more than anything else, that'll you'll change me to be the person you want me to be. I want to live life to the fullest Lord. This is my last year in St Pat's and i've made an impact to some people. I want to continue making an impact on others. Halp me live out my wish list for this year. That includes saving the unit. I backed out, because Lord, only now that i realise i can do things using my strength. Though you many seem distant at times, you are the one that i should draw strength from. God. I believe. I believe you'll work in me. I believe i am being put into St Pat's for a reason.

All these i pray in your most precious name, Amen

"Watch, stand fast. Be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love" - 1 Corinthians 16:13

XyeThesis
`Today i see you again.

Welcome

Welcome to my frequency

There's an end to every beginning. Today is the day where the passion of fire for NPCC finally burns out. No matter how vicious and fervent a fire burns, it will eventually stop burning. However, every time it stops burning, the heat still stays on the ground. Friends have long told me to stop being so enthusiastic and just concentrate on my studies and have the social life that i had no been having for more than a year. Ever since i saw the need to raise the unit's former glory, i have been working very hard - to do my best, to try to restore it to it's usual state. It was fruitful when i first took over, though i could not do much as we had a shortage of manpower, i still however managed to maintain its standards. Ever since the new batch of NCOs took over, the unit has definitely fallen in a bottomless pit. One which takes a miracle from God to pull it back.

Sacrifices. Tears. Sweat. A leader has to give up to go up. Apparently i have sacrificed the things which i now only know that it is important to me when i served this unit as a NCO. I spent countless days to come up with new initiatives to help and improve the unit. Oftentimes i find myself carrying books on leadership, to learn and finally, to impart. I sacrificed my relationship with my girlfriend - the one who always cared about me and listened to my problems - when i told her i do not have time for her. I sacrificed my friendship with many. I sacrificed my time. Tears. I cried whenever i failed to help one of my friends. i was filled with vulnerability because no one except for me is following the dreams i see. As i look back on the times i had, the things people say about NPCC, i finally agree. "When you come back, no matter who you are, or what you've done; where you stand or how bad or good you've done to them, they will not listen to you". Lately i've been questioning, "why am i so into NPCC?” Apparently, i've got the answer. I want to save something. Something not every important to me. Something not very heart-warming. The thing that i want to save is the people in the unit. Mr Lim, Mr Ng, Miss Tan, the NCOs, the cadets and most importantly, the thing that i've stuck onto for a very long time, the passion.

My Dream
There'll be a day,
when i find a way,
to get around the things,
that will keep me from standing.

The dream of seeing everyone standing together as one.
The dream of seeing smiles on everyones face.
The dream of reviving the joy in them.
The dream of putting a fire within them.
The dream of seeing me, leaving the school, with my dreams fulfilled.

However, in the end, i am only dreaming...

"Friends are the people i love. They mean SO much to me, i'd die for them... of course, it has to be true friends you know? If you don't have your friends to support you, how'd you achieve your goals and dreams? Who will be there to celebrate with you, to cry for you, to be TRULY happy for you? Who would be there with a shoulder to cry on, and laugh at all the retarded things that happen? Who else will love you as much as your family does? Your friends." My friend Melissa wrote this to me. I've done a very stupid mistake. Sorry... I shouldn't have let go of you guys... Sorry.

In my dreams,
i see her again,
grateful,
i ask of nothing.
but she won't stay still.

Maybe i'm wrong. I shouldn't have doubted her. She feels too

There was this one time when my ex and i had together. It was memorable. She had to go to Chiangmai to do some CIP thing because she volunteered (she's very helpful). Therefore, i spent a night with her at her house. No we didn't do anything against the law (we were only sec 4 then, 15 years old). Ironically, her parents left for an overseas business trip, and therefore weren't at home at the time i bunked in at her home. So when she woke up (i was still asleep then) and when to the market to buy breakfast, i quickly awoke, and wrote on the post it note pads, "missing you when i'm...". She the first thing she saw when she came home was the post it on her front door. It said, "missing you when you leave this house". Then there was one in the kitchen (i figured she'll enter there), it said, "missing you when i'm cooking your favourite dishes".

At the computer table: "missing you when i'm surfing the net"
At the dining table: "missing you when i'm eating"
At the refrigerator: "missing you when i'm hungry"
At the TV: "missing you when i'm wasting my time watching flicks"
At the toilet door: "missing you when i'm in the shower"
At the radio: "missing you when i sing about you"
On her study table in her room: "missing you when i'm studying"

The last one was on me when she saw me. It read, "missing you when you're missing me". She hugged me on the spot and whispered an "i love you" to my ear. I miss her... 2 months later, i left her because i told her didn't have time for her (she cried so much that she stayed over at my place). for the next 2 months, whenever she saw me she held my hand until i told her off. Where she then cried on the spot. A year and a half later, which is now, she's still unattached... Thing is... She's got a pretty face. She's kind. She's got the nicest smile in the world. She's got guys after her. But she still longs that one day i have time for her...

You still keep those post-it notes.

XyeThesis
`Here I am, so alone, and there’s nothing in this world I can do…